Random Thoughts on Reindeer Games

There are a few ways that medics screw with each other. Some pranks or tricks are pretty universal. Defib gel on a windshield wiper, so it smears when the wipers are turned on. Turning everything on in the ambulance, so when it is started the lights, siren, and radio start blasting.  Putting an extra bag of saline in a jump kit, to make it slightly heavier.

This reindeer looks like he is fed up with your games... Source

I knew a medic who took his partner’s favorite, lucky shirt. He spent days putting it on "urban outdoorsmen" (the filthier the better) and taking a picture with a disposable camera. He then froze the shirt in a five-gallon bucket of water and gave it back, along with the camera.

One of the agencies I worked at planned pranks like an evil combination of Wiley E Coyote and a demented engineer. We would put flour into an inflated glove and hang it over a doorway, with a needle taped to the doorjamb. When the door swung open, the glove would hit the needle and pop, spilling flour onto the unsuspecting rube who just wanted to walk into a room. Evil geniuses took it further, starting with a glove full of saline, to make their mark wet. Then a glove of powdered sugar was hung at the bathroom door, where they would go to clean up. Then the mark would be angry and would be expected to stomp upstairs to clean up. So another glove of something sticky at their bedroom door. Evil, I tell you.

It got to the point that you had to enter rooms at a sprint, with a leaping shoulder roll.

One time, before I was even allowed to be an EMT on an ambulance, I was dispatching for pay and riding for experience. On one call, the ALS firefighters had missed several IVs on a lady with chest pain and shortness of breath. The paramedic I was riding with missed a line or two, as well. I got one on my first attempt. Jerk that I was am, I started doing a little dance and chanting about how genetically predisposed I was to be the world’s greatest medic. When we arrived back to the base, I was given bad news: “Who started the IV on that patient? They found a big chunk of IV catheter in her lung. Catheter shear killed her.”

I was crushed. I had killed a young patient. I was despondent. I didn’t know what to do, except to start writing a combination incident report/letter of resignation. The medics let me wallow in despair, quietly trying to hide my tears, for several hours before telling me they were screwing with me. I didn’t think it was funny then, but now I can see some humor there.

One of the best, low-grade pranks is to introduce a new caregiver to the deep end of the EMS pool. Let me give you an example.

Years ago, I was working with a new EMT. He was new to his EMT cert, as well as being new to the agency. But he was a good guy, wanted to learn, asked great questions, and paid attention. I liked to work with him – still do. One day, we got assigned to a nonemergency call in an alley. I think the nature was a foot injury, or something similar. We arrived to find our likely patient, standing in the alley with a single crutch. (As an aside, I love the single crutch. It screams patriotism, with the addition of needing to keep one hand free to hold a drink.) As we approached, I became convinced there was a second call nearby.

The smell of “dead guy” was strong in that alley. I told my partner to start taking care of the patient with the sore foot while I checked the nearby dumpsters for what I was convinced was a poorly disposed of murder victim.  After searching for a few minutes, I came to a horrible realization.

It was Mr One Crutch’s bandaged foot that I smelled.

I was glad I had an EMT partner to handle this call. We put the patient into the bus, on the bed, and took a set of vital signs and a history. The guy had cut his foot “a while ago” and had been trying to keep it bandaged since. That day was the day he had had enough and decided to get it checked out. It didn't hurt, his vitals were normal, and it had been like this for several days.

We were only a block or two from the hospital. If it were me, I would have added additional layers of blankets to the patient’s foot so that I could cut down on the cheesy offgassing. But I wasn’t attending; I was driving. As additional pertinent background information, I need to explain that I have an angel and a devil on my shoulders, each whispering ideas into my ears. My problem is that I don’t know which is which. They switch sides randomly, and I can’t see them. In this case, though, one voice whispered, “Make him unwrap the bandage, tee hee…” The other voice said: “Yeah! Make him unwrap and examine that foot! He he he!”

Who am I to argue with my shoulder voices, especially when they are in agreement? Certainly not me! I looked my novice partner in his eyes and gave him my serious face. “Hey, brah, you know a complete exam means that you gotta unwrap that foot and take a close look, right?”

My partner gave me a look that seemed to say he knew I was joking and wouldn’t fall for that. “I’m very serious. We’re professionals here. Man up,” I told him, maintaining my serious face.

I took a few steps back in case things were splashy while my partner began unwinding dirty bandages. It was horrifying. The guy’s foot looked like an anatomical drawing of a foot, with the skin layer removed. It was muscle, tendon, and bone. But wet. Juicy. Greenish. And rotten-smelling. My partner began to retch and heave.

I told him I would see him at the hospital and slammed the back doors.

I had to drive to the hospital with all the windows down, my head out the driver’s window, and occasional gagging of my own. But it was worth it. I still smile, thinking of that partner.

What makes a good prank? First, a prank or trick needs to not hurt, break, or injure anything or anyone. That includes psychological scarring, sorry. Second, it needs to not interfere with the job. This is why I’ve never done the defib gel thing – it could possibly take an ambulance out of service. Could you imagine running with lights and siren, turning on your wipers, and having everything suddenly smeared? Not cool. Third, a prank needs to be played on people in a position to return the favor. They need to be able and willing to play back. It isn’t fun to trick someone who is frightened of returning a prank, or if they are struggling in their job. In those cases, it is the equivalent of a professional boxer grabbing an elderly nun off the street as a sparring partner. Pick yourself a sparring partner that can punch back.