The Ex-Feline

As a medic, weird things happen to me. One day I was sitting in the airport paramedic’s office, minding my own business and watching The Andy Griffith Show, when a series of crashing blows upon my door alerted me to an emergency outside. Someone was pounding on my door as hard as they could, without stopping. It sounded like they might crash through it. Judging by the frantic beating, something really good or really bad was going on outside.

I opened the door and a man rushed past me into the office, out of breath and carrying several bags. The airport rep who had shown him my (unmarked) door told him he was in good hands now, quietly wished me good luck and scuttled off quickly. She is leaving in a hurry, I thought to myself. That’s a bad sign.

I don’t usually like to care for patients in the office, if I can help it, and I usually like to be the one to invite them in. I also like to shut off Andy Griffith, because it is weird to run an EMS call while Sheriff Andy and Barney watch. But that was not to be in this case. 

The agitated man with the luggage was obviously near panic. “It’s Oliver!” he said breathlessly, “I can’t wake him! You have to help! Can you help?!? Oh, Oliver!”

The paramedic in me quit thinking about how Andy was going to handle Opie’s problem and switched into responder mode. “Where’s Oliver?” I asked with my in-charge voice, as I grabbed my radio to notify dispatch of the emergency. I was already considering whether I needed the fire department to respond, as well.

“Here! Thank god! Please help him! Oh, Oliver!” the distraught man screeched as he thrust one of his bags at me.

Here? What do you mean here? What the hell is going on? I thought. Is that…

Yep. It was a cat carrier he was pushing into my arms.

Goddammit, I hope this dude’s cat isn’t dead, I thought to myself as I set the carrier on the desk. I unzipped the top and peeked inside.

That cat was dead as dead can be. It was lying on its side, with its eyes open and its lips curled back into a rictus grin. The eyes told me all I needed to know – you know how dead eyes start to dry out and look kind of sticky? That’s how this cat’s eyes looked; because it was a dead cat. 

Someone’s cat, Casper, lying in state… By RJB (Own work), via Wikimedia Commons    

The switch from Andy Griffith, to a possible emergency, to an unresponsive cat, to a dead cat so quickly put me off guard. I almost laughed out loud when I opened the carrier and saw the cat.

The hysterical man was pacing several steps in each direction and wringing his hands. It is hard for me to oversell how upset this fellow was. Well, this isn’t going to go well, I thought as I imagined how I was going to let the owner in on the secret. 

To buy myself some time, I put my stethoscope to my ears and pretended to listen to the cat’s chest for several seconds. Still a dead feline. It was even rigored. 

Crapcrapcrap. What if he expects me to work this cat? The thought of me pumping CPR into a cat flashed through my head and I almost laughed again. I pulled myself together.

“I’m very sorry. Oliver is dead.” I informed my visitor, as solemnly as I could manage.

Oliver’s owner’s shoulders sagged and his arms went limp. His head fell backwards, his mouth came open, and a wail of despair moaned out. Bawling loudly, Oliver’s owner ran for the door.

Crapcrapcrap. What do I do with Oliver if dude leaves him here? Trash? Fridge? (Note: I rarely use the refrigerator.) I don’t want a dead cat in my office looking at me!

As soon as the owner got to the door, he ran back to Oliver and me. Oh good. He grabbed the cat carrier with the corpse still in it, and sprinted for the door again. He still held his head backwards and was shouting his grief as he ran out of the door and out of my life. The whole contact took less than thirty seconds.

Phew! That was a close one! How should I write that up?  Wait. Should I write that up? I went back to Andy Griffith and pondered the question. My guess is that the owner gave Oliver some "be-good" pills before the flight and over benzo-ed his cat.

And for my favorite dead pet video: check this out...